Love in lockdown – Being Separated by Travel Bans

Last night I had a mental meltdown. I felt like my organs were being crushed from the inside out. From howling uncontrollably, to sitting in stark silence with tears streaming down my face. Three months of being in lockdown, stuck in South Africa and separated from my fiance whose in the UK, had unleashed bubbling anger, confusion, frustration and heartache. I was at breaking point. The visceral pain I felt was unbearable. In some ways, it was as if grief had reared its all too familiar, ugly head. Little did I know that every experience was in fact making our relationship just that much stronger.

A little background to my situation

I was born and raised in South Africa, but I’ve been living in London for the past 7 years and consider it home. Around 1 year ago, my fiancé Mike and I decided to quit our jobs, pack up our flat, put on our backpacks and travel the world together. You can read why we did it, here.

Eleven months into our adventure, while in the lakeside town of Puno, Peru – our plans were cut short by Covid19. Cautioned by medical staff in hazmat suits (because of an outbreak in the town) we realised the situation was dire and we had to throw in the towel and terminate our travels. After a long, bumpy bus ride to Cusco, cranky from hunger and altitude sickness, my lifelong dream of seeing Machu Picchu was slashed. We managed to push past the police and armed military who were using physical force to block the airport gates. Streams of journalists were reporting the riot, while terrified tourists were crying and begging to go home. It was a harrowing experience and I’ve never seen anything like it. By the grace of God, we managed to make it on the very last flight out, a mere two hours before the country closed. On landing in California, we uttered a short-lived sigh of relief. The state went into shelter in place. In that moment, the world as we knew it, completely changed.

I needed to get to South Africa to apply for my fiancé visa. Just one of the joys of falling in love with a foreigner! My flights back to the continent kept cancelling on me, with my airline approaching administration and my embassy, not budging. After bunkering inside and strategising for almost a week, we watched the rising death tolls and grim news headlines.

After what seemed like a lifetime, we finally got success with flights and departed a ghost-like SFO airport for our home countries. You can see the video I made here. Our goodbye was blissfully ignorant – short and sweet, because we would be seeing each other in just a few weeks. We were both nervous about flying long distance and how we would keep the virus at bay. After a tedious 36 hours in the air, from being denied boarding in Chicago and a narrow escape from Ethiopia, I landed in Durban, South Africa.

I spent the next 14 days stuck like a prisoner in my bedroom. After almost a year of adventuring and sometimes clocking three countries in one day, I was quarantined to the confines of my four walls.

We then made the devastating decision to postpone our upcoming UK wedding, to 2021.  

Today marks exactly 3 months of being stuck in South Africa and separated from my fiance

We’re in the world’s longest and strictest lockdown, thanks to a mishmash of skyrocketing cases, political gains and utter mismanage. Our borders are closed. The UK visa centre also remains closed, with a lack of communication and no plans of re-opening any time soon. I learnt yesterday that priority service will not be issued because of the impending backlog, and therefore my application can now take a further three months from the date I apply. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  

The world we live in has turned almost unrecognisable. I know numerous people who’ve recovered from the virus, but I’ve also sent my condolences to those who have lost family members because of it. I’ve watched groups of friends stick to stay at home orders and do their part in stopping the spread, while others have continued life as normal – lockdown parties et al.

I’ve observed my very own life become upended by its existence.

Being separated from my soulmate has been a constant struggle. I’m a strong person who has faced much adversity and I’ve been surprised to see myself slip into such sadness. My bitter hatred towards bureaucracy has intensified, and my feeling of not fitting in has been stark. My experience of reverse culture shock is real, and I’ve got a REALLY bad bout of post travel depression. Nomadic Matt writes about it here.

But being on lockdown and kept apart has taught me many things. I’ve learnt that it’s okay not to be okay, and that everyone is entitled to their feelings – whether you’ve been separated for 5 days or 5 years. I’ve gained weight, my skin’s broken out and my autoimmune disease and allergies are worse than ever. I’m dreading my upcoming “would be wedding day” which is fast approaching because I have no doubt I will be facing it alone. There’s a thick air of uncertainty – coupled with my asthma and this new normal of wearing a mask – I literally find it difficult to breathe easy. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that this adversity is actually making our relationship stronger.

I don’t know when I will be able to apply for my fiancé visa. I don’t know when I can get on a repat flight to the UK. I don’t know when I will see Mike again.

But what I do know is that this too shall pass

We have squashed A LOT into our 3 years together. When you travel the world with someone, in such close proximity – you get to know them VERY well. We’ve been through trauma, heartache and so much success together, and all these experiences have moulded us into the couple we are today.

We were never prepared for long distance. We’ve gone from being in each other’s pockets 24/7 to literally having zero physical contact. It was one extreme to the next. And to be honest, it’s been messy. Of course, we’ve had our magical moments together, but we’ve had to learn how to be together “virtually” and that’s been strange. We’ve also had to work on our communication and put in extra effort. We’ve had days where I just cry on Facetime, unable to say a word. We’ve slammed the phone down out of pure frustration with our situation, we’ve dealt with dodgy signal, we’ve argued from being completely stressed out. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster.

Mike reminded me the other night that we have a lifetime to spend together – and this moment of sorrow and helplessness will be but a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things. We both believe that we will overcome this unpleasant situation stronger than ever. Our love can conquer all and this is just a small and uncomfortable setback. Yes its painful, and raw and it seems gigantic in the moment, but when we look long-term, we know that this will seem just a mere inconvenience. (I understand this can be a total different story for those with children, and my heart goes out to you).

A huge help is also knowing that I’m not alone. There are hundreds of us currently separated from our spouses / families, desperate to get back to the UK. In fact, if you can sign this petition – that would really help.

We thought it was our backpacking trip that would make or break us. Oh, how wrong we were. Managing to maintain a relationship through a pandemic, a postponed wedding and being separated indefinitely by continents is the real test – and I have no doubt we will come out of this stronger than ever.

There are always little silver linings – and here’s mine. I’ve spent a good amount of quality time with my folks that I probably won’t ever have again. I’ve been a tourist in my own country. I’ve reconnected with old friends. But most importantly, it’s created a rock solid foundation for our marriage, that I have no doubt we will overcome.

I spoke with a life coach a few weeks back and the advice I was given was paramount:

Only focus on the things you can control, and let the rest go.

I cannot wait for that beautiful day I get to marry my person. Because I know I will. Yes it will take a bit longer than planned, but we will get there. What keeps me going is envisioning our wedding day. It will be the MOST joyous occasion, where adversity will have been overcome and Mike will hold me tight, kiss me gently and whisper into my ear: “we made it”.

My heart goes out to all couples facing a similar scenario to us. Just know that we’re in this together and that what doesn’t kill you, literally makes you stronger. In the end, everything will be ok, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

xxx Ainsleigh xxx