Pregnancy After Loss – My Experience
In May 2021, I was completely blindsided at my 12 week scan. I had suffered a missed miscarriage which I wrote about in depth here. Devastated and defeated, our entire world was shaken as we navigated grief and our empty arms. Fast forward to just a few months later, and we were blessed beyond. I was pregnant again. Read on to see how this first trimester of pregnancy has gone for me and how it has been shaped by my previous experience.
Deciding to Try Again
As advised by our doctor, we agreed to wait one cycle before trying again. That in itself is a massive decision because it takes such courage in doing so. I knew I would be most fertile in those first three months following loss and research had shown the chances of a live birth in my next pregnancy were in our favour. Although my womb was prepped and ready almost immediately, my mind still needed work. I was in a pit of despair and felt like my body had failed me. The reality was that although I was in this headspace, the only thing that would fill the gaping hole inside me, was a baby. And so, while still bleeding, I emerged the woman I swore I would never become. I was an active participant in all the fertility forums. My entire bathroom cabinet was filled with ovulation predictor kits. My medicine drawer was bursting with every supplement recommended by It Starts With The Egg. I looked at my husband with pure baby-making eyes. My fertile window was like Christmas. And I spoke an entirely new fruitful language of acronyms – TTC, OPK, FMU, LMP. Was I obsessive? Absolutely. How could I not be?
The Two Week Wait
We planned a much needed holiday to Mallorca at the end of our two week wait. This is a trying and anxious time for anyone TTC (trying to conceive). We had packed some home pregnancy tests in our luggage and when I woke up on the day of my expected period, Mike urged me to pee on a stick. I had felt a few twinges in my abdomen and my breasts were slightly tender, but I put it down to PMS. Should we take a video of us doing the test? Mike asked excitedly. “Don’t be ridiculous” I yapped back, cranky and unimpressed at the ludicrous suggestion. But to our amazement and through sleepy sunburnt eyes, we saw a faint blue line appear. It was by no means a dye stealer but it was official. I was pregnant. Instead of jumping up and down with excitement, I walked away from the stick, shaking and almost afraid of it. I peered down at it a few times and then backed away again. ‘I don’t believe it for a second‘, I kept repeating. It was in the moment I realised feelings are not mutually exclusive. I was utterly elated, but I was also terrified and anxious and scared and afraid. We both looked at one another as if to say “Here we go again” and burst out crying. I then made my way down to the breakfast buffet where I proceeded to eat all the blue cheese in sight and went for a cliff-jump into the ocean. I realise now that I was in a state called denial.
Pregnancy after loss is difficult
I had learnt the hard way that for many women, a positive pregnancy test does not guarantee a babe in arms 9 months later. And so we took time to process our feelings and prepare for the wild and bumpy ride ahead. We held each-other tightly. We prayed hard. And then we cried. At first I cried happy tears. Tears of relief and praise and joy. I finally had what my heart so desperately desired. I no longer felt barren and void. And then I cried sad tears. I cried for my infertile friends. I cried for my struggling to conceive friends. I cried for my friends who made the decision not to try again. While my heart was ecstatic for me, it truly ached for them. I was in this weird chasm of knowing their struggle on a personal level while also knowing I was running ahead and no longer apart of their tribe. It’s difficult to put into words. And so for the next few weeks, I purposefully detached myself from the pregnancy to hinder any heartbreak. I banned all baby talk or future planning. I didn’t tell a soul besides our immediate family. There were no reaction videos or bump pictures or updates. I was literally holding my breath and wishing away the days. In fact, It was only when I ninja-bombed into the pool and cliff-jumped into the aqua waters of the Mediterranean that Mike gave me a strict talking to. He told me that I needed to start “acting pregnant”. He reminded me I was carrying life and even if I didn’t believe it myself, I needed to do it for him and for Bambi, our little bambino to be. I decided then and there that I would make more of an effort to connect.
Your Past Does Not Define Your Future
The hardest part of having a 100% failure rate, is keeping the faith and truly believing that your past does not define your future. I would often catch myself thinking the worst and I actively had to change my thought process. It took dedicated, hard work for me to shift my thinking from negativity to positivity. Being a Christian and a person of faith, I found such comfort in prayer and quiet time. Singing my heart out in praise and worship was my little sacred space I could turn to. Spending time with God really helps me. It reminds me that He is faithful. He has a plan and purpose for my life and He has blessed me with a miracle. I cling to that reality and it shifts something in my spirit. I also found that repeating the following mantra helps tremendously. This is a completely different pregnancy. A different egg. A different sperm. A different outcome.
Navigating Guilt
A feeling I wasn’t expecting was that of guilt. I was so afraid of being overjoyed and taking pleasure in this pregnancy because I was somehow letting down our angel baby, Bubs. I know it’s all part of the grieving process but still, it was an unwelcome guest. It’s a strange and lonely road to walk because logically I know that I wouldn’t have Bambi if it hadn’t been for our little Bubs. It’s such a surreal and strange notion to wrap my head around and probably something I will never be able to fully grasp. Another thing I was unprepared for were the ugly feelings that still lingered. Although I’m now pregnant, I still feel the hurt and reality of my loss deeply. I still get the wind knocked out of me when I see pregnancy announcements. My heart still hurts that our first due date is just around the corner. I still feel down when I see women with their beautiful bumps on display. I still can’t bring myself to attend babyshowers because it’s just too painful. And even though these are feelings I wish I didn’t have to navigate, I have accepted that this is my reality and I’ve learnt to give myself grace and the space to grieve. I’ve learnt to accept that my feelings are valid and I’m allowed to be happy and sad at the same time.
Scanxiety
I was adamant about getting weekly scans in the first trimester. It’s the only way for us to know all is well. We’re incredibly fortunate to be in a financial position to afford this as the NHS won’t give special care until you’ve experienced three miscarriages in a row. You can sign this petition to change that. Our private ultrasound clinic is a 10 minute walk from home and they are just amazing. They are accustomed to my heavy breathing exercises in the waiting room and the imminent outburst of tears. The sonographers are aware of my fragility and I’ve found saying something as simple as ‘Hello, I experienced a loss so no small talk please. I just need to know there’s a heartbeat’ is more than enough for them to do the job with speed. I’m so pleased to say that we have always managed to find a strong heartbeat and the feeling of seeing a little wriggly baby on screen is nothing short of euphoric. I’m really grateful for these frequent scans because it puts my mind at ease and gets me closer to meeting our rainbow. I want to quickly address the notion that morning sickness and nausea is a indicator that a pregnancy is progressing well. This is absolutely not the case. Being pretty much entirely symptom free, I cannot emphasize the stress this has caused me or the amount of times I excessively pinched my boobs and cried because there was no pain. It was only until I went to my scans did the sonographer explain that symptoms are a result of your body reacting to the rising HCG levels. In this instance, my body copes excellently with increasing HCG levels and is simply not that bothered. So please don’t freak out if you don’t feel pregnant. It does not mean anything is wrong. Just be grateful you’ve got it easy.
Choosing Hope over Fear
Pregnancy after loss is turbulent and terrifying. But it is also thrilling and triumphant. I quickly realised that I have two choices. I can either succumb to my fear and be an absolute wreck. I can be miserable and anxious and expect the worst daily and I can make the next nine months feel like some kind of torturous dark tunnel. Or I can trust God and choose hope. I can accept that I had a terrible experience but I can recognise that I survived it. I can choose to understand that this is a different pregnancy with a different outcome. I can choose to look forward to everyday that I get to grow my precious baby and appreciate every moment. I can choose calm and peace. I can choose to believe that God is faithful.
And so, I have decided to choose hope. I proclaim that I am carrying our rainbow baby and he/she will be brought home in the spring and what a precious day that will be.
Below are some recommended readings and resources that have really helped me through my pregnancy after loss journey:
Pregnancy After Loss by Zoe Clarke-Coates
The Miscarriage Association – Pregnant After Loss Facebook Group
The Worst Girl Gang Ever Podcast
And of course, talking to others about what we are going through can be a brilliant way to offload and bond. We don’t know the stories within us, until we decide to share them.
*Update – Our little boy Elijah was born healthily on 5th April 2022.
No Comments